Thursday, March 31, 2011

March is Colon awareness month

I hope you didn't misread the title and thought it was Colin Cowherd awareness month.
This is something serious and even though assholes are involved it isn't about Colin Cowherd.

As Rip's family was awakened one afternoon in 2000 to Katie Couric's artful and brave live colonoscopy. She alone increased colon cancer screening by numbers that made a few doctors really really rich.
WDCSD staff member Art Banks was most likely saved by Katie. Art is our television critic who spends a lot of time sitting on his ass and doing as little as possible.

A ripple effect occurred after Katie's gesture and other celebrities joined in, specificly Richard Gere. This video solved one of the most recognized URBAN LEGENDS EVER. We would like to thank Richard personally for his courageous act.
Enjoy the Richard Gere colonoscopy video.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Props to Lionsgate® for it's first round of Microbudget films

Rip Salsa gets this email at from these advertisement guys and they all send the same one.
"Hey D-bag try "doing" instead of being so snarky" or "Why the fuck do you hate on Cowherd so much? Get a life dickhead" After I sort through the multiple 1099 forums for my motivational speaking, my massive W-2 and counting my cash that I hide from the Mexican government I respond by asking them, "How much money do you make a year?"
WDCSD isn't just about snarkiness thrust upon certain d-bags, we have love for goodness and forward thinking people and businesses.
Lionsgate® films had a good idea with it's Microbudget films which awards budding actors and filmmakers with a chance to shine like Seth Godin's head. The first couple of films will be RAPTUREPALOOZA a post-apocalyptic comendy, GAY DUDE, a coming of age comedy with a twist, and 6 MIRANDA DRIVE, a supernatural thriller. Joe Drake, President of the Motion Picture Group at Lionsgate announced. So lick my snarky balls you haters.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Video Proof That Barry's Balls Got Smaller

The Barry Bonds trial on perjury must be a little embarrassing for the former major leaguer. Adult acne, Impotence and our favorite... shrinking balls. The mistress who reported this fact during the trial has video proof of shrinking balls on Youtube and at One minute and twenty-one seconds (1:21) you actually see Barry's marbles lose size. It is an amazing time lapse video.

Who wouldn't threaten a mistress with a beheading if you ever tell the world that your balls take on a strange shape?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Killing Me Softly with His Song – The 5 Best and Worst and Covers

Killing Me Softly with His Song, was composed by Charles Fox and Norman Gimbal with Lori Lieberman first recording the classic song in 1971. Since then it’s been covered many times. I present to you the 5 best and worst versions.


1. Roberta Flack – she put the song on the map, great voice, soulful, beautiful.

2. Perry Como – that’s right, Perry’s version is unique. Thanks P-dawg!

3. Luther Vandross – I almost put this on the worst list but Luther went for it and actually sang the feminine version, which takes balls. RIP Luther.

4. Emad Hamdy – who says you have to sing? Emad didn’t and he nailed it. Plus he has killer sideburns.

5. Dee Dee Bridgewater – similar to Roberta’s but different. Do you think her real name is simply Dee but one of her parents had a stuttering problem?


1. Fugees – Lauren Hill has a great voice and alone she would’ve made the best list, however Wyclef Jean was a member of the Fugees and he ruined it. In fact I hear that’s the reason Wyclef got shot in the hand.

2. Engelbert Humperdinck – we at WDCSD appreciate Engelbert’s talent just not this time.

3. Cleo Laine – umm, no.

4. Anne Murray – the great Canadian singer doesn’t quite interpret the song correctly.

5. Electric Coconut – the Moog Synthesizer didn’t work and put against this weird Japanese flick called Zero Woman it's something that would make a car salesmen’s acid trip turn bad in a hurry.

Note: I’m sure the great Mel Torme covered it but I couldn’t find a video.

It's Over! Robin Hood of beer has been caught.

I wish it would have never happened but it did, the streak is over at 100 cases of beer.
The Mexican sounding bandit, Santiago Martinez, was caught after "stealing" beer from multiple stores from Thanksgiving though Spring Break. The Texas based thief enjoyed 18-packs of beer and we all know all good beer comes in 18-packs. If you think about it the 18-pack is best suited for the beer dash. While dashing for beer, the 24 pack is a little too heavy and not shaped correctly, the 6-packs of classy beer are glass and damage much easier than a can, and why go 12-pack when the manufactures of fine beer make an 18-pack? Santiago it was a good run

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sammy Hagar Not Accused of Stuffing His Pants with a Cucumber but was Abducted by Aliens

Sammy says he couldn’t explain his abduction for a long time because he didn’t understand technology “but now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation.”

He also said David Lee Roth is a dick. But if there's ever a chest hair competition, David wins.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Do you ever get sick of the guys and gals that tell you Revelations are upon us

A guy at the office (Okay the bum that gave me 11 dollars to sleep in my van instead of dying in the freezing weather) kept going on and on about the end of the world and how China was the 200 million man army described in Revelations (A book in the bible, I Google searched Revelations, it's in there ) Shit I always thought it was an Iron Maiden song. Google searching is awesome, I came across this TOOL that has ACTUAL proof of armies of satin gathering in China and Russia, The Trumpet wars. Ken Raggio will teach you all about the end of the world, I am guessing after you sign up you can "help" him spread the word.

Click on the link and you can send all your buddies mini bibles. I love guys that study the bible harder than everyone else. I will bet the farm that Gary at Walla Walla, where I spent two miserable years among killers and sick fuckers, can find more time in a book than anywhere else. I guess someone attempting to slit your throat brings you closer to God. If you have a lifetime to read, you read stuff over and over and over and over.

I just can't follow a guy that makes shitty videos in his manufactured home.

Along with posing in tight underwear Men's Health encourages me to have sex.

Men's Health has an article on having sex with your old girlfriend using Facebook to plan your hookup. Glad Men's Health took time off it's classy top 10 bulging bicep exercises that women like, top 10 reason why your boner doesn't work and other important things to encourage cheating.
If you have the joy of reading Men's Health online. You have to read an article in 10 parts so they can get revenue from the ad hits on each page load. (Tip: When you read Men's Health always go to the PRINT icon and that way you can read the entire story without the annoying NEXT> shit)
BTW who the fuck would take career and money advise from Men's Health? Just keep to the ideal penis shit and leave the money to Forbes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rip Salsa was wrong. The McDonald's marathoner was an athlete.

I haven't been wrong since suggesting Al Gore wear a beard but I was wrong about the McDonald's Marathoner. We here at Whatever Drugs Car Salesmen Do hate marathoners, not for the extreme training or the miles and miles to ready yourself and not just a hate for the reason of hating. We hate it for the fatso, pseudo-runners that do it as a life changing event or want to prove a point. The rich lady with her own network is the best example of the whole, "I ran a marathon and no one can take that away from me."
Back to me being wrong, more wrong than Seth Godin picking All Marketers are Liars for the title of a book, more wrong than mouthing off to a Utah Cop.
I was blasting Joe D'Amico for being like Morgan Spurlock in nut hugging shorts, eating at McDonald's while training for a marathon. This cat ran a sub 3 hour Marathon, 2 hours 36 minutes and 14 seconds. Joe D'Amico is an athlete. Sub 6 minute miles for 26.2 miles is a man. Once high on coke and nutmeg I ran 14 minutes at that pace being chased the three headed guard of Hades, Cerberus, and my heart exploded.
Joe, WDCSD is sorry and punch me in the balls next time you see me in the same marathon, I am the one in a NASA diaper.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Meat slick on Illinois Hwy

Parts is Parts
A meat spill was cleaned up on an Illinois hwy when a truck hauling "Reused animal rendering material" overturned. The spill was cleaned up by Cargill even though they said "It wasn't our fault" They headed out with a little Tide detergent and some cold water and made the road drivable again. The load was intended to be used as an ingredient in pet food. One of the workers got Kirstie Alley and Val Kilmer's autographs when they thought the smell was a road side taco vendor instead of a meat spill

Monday, March 21, 2011

Ban on Menthol Cigarettes is unKool and so is Alex Bogusky

I don’t think I’ll ever know what drugs car salesmen do, but I’m pretty sure some of them smoke menthol cigarettes. And for those of you that are Kool and smoke Newport cigs you better start hoarding your ciggy’s because that’s exactly what your outdoor smoking buddies are doing.

Although smoking menthol cigs doesn’t fuck you up any more than smoking regular cigarettes the FDA still wants to ban them. Why? Because they say that banning menthol cigarettes is good for public health. Hmm, what about banning all cigarettes? Then banning chewing tobacco. Then alcohol. Then sugar. Then television. Then Adam Sandler movies. Yeah, that makes sense.

Of course Alex Bogusky will happily support banning everything… except fast food. Oh, above is a photo of Alex channeling his inner John Denver. One thing you should know, Alex, John Denver was a hard working, talented musician who will always be remembered. Alex will be remembered as a hypocritical douchebag. Or a sociopath.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Pam Anderson's next movie? THE BEAVER

Even though there is a rumor Mel might have fisted Pam's beaver and that is why he got hammered and drove around Malibu in an anti-semantic stupor. I pitched that as premise to Universal Studios in 2009 and even though Steve Zahn was perfect for the roll I was escorted out.

Nope it's a movie that Mel actually fists a beaver puppet.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Let the spin begin CP+B and BK split

I was going to mention the split. Just Google Search it.
Thank goodness all things cool come and go.
One of my cell mates had a picture of Twiggy up on the wall.
I asked him who the hell is that? He choked me out and I died for at least 4 minutes.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

CP+B wins our daily Google Alert contest

They are the master of self promotion.
CP+B have five Google Alerts by noon.

Woman falls off shitter at McDonald's and you'll never guess who is getting sued

This time it isn't boiling coffee scalding your nuts, McDonald's made you fat, Grease Tax, Finger in the fries or anything regarding your food. It was the shitter that got McDonald's sued. Some fat ass broad, Cherry Hardie, (Just guessing she is fat as a house because it's the fat broads that bust my toilet) fell off the toilet seat in a Chicago area McDonald's reaching for paper. She hurt her arm and shoulder and is claiming she is disabled because of the ordeal. Words used by her obviously fat lawyer were "Severe shock to her nervous system" and "$30,000" pay it and waddle away.
'Cause it is all about the delicious choices.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

RIP Nate Dogg… and Thanks for the Blunt

Nate Dogg, may you rest in peace.

Most media outlets are praising Nate Dogg’s contributions to the world of hip hop and R & B. We at WDCSD do not agree. We think he made contributions to the whole fucking world of music. Nate Dogg created, most people don’t do shit.

True story:

The Verizon cable guy came over to do an installation last year and as usual it was supposed to take a half hour… it took 6 fucking hours. But Carlos, the cable guy, was cool. See most of the time Carlos and I were just waiting for the assholes back at the Verizon headquarters to answer a few simple questions he had. While waiting we started talking and Carlos told me he knew Nate Dogg and that he was the coolest celeb cable install he’s ever done. So I immediately put in a CD that featured Nate Dogg. Carlos immediately produced a nice fat blunt. We smoked and listened to some sweet music while waiting for the Verizon man to pull his head out of his ass. So, thanks for the blunt, Nate Dogg.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Who doesn't love a good Hitler story

For a guy that had such an impact on history that little fucker never seems to go away.
An article has some pictures of his babe Eva in a row boat. The thing about Hitler is he got a lot of good people to follow him and his evil ways. The best example of this is a radio host for ESPN, the corporate shill, Colin Cowherd. There is no doubt that prick would be a Nazi. If his boss came in and said, "Meet your new boss, Mr. Hitler." Colin would be on board in a second, after all he is the boss and if you can't be first be interesting. Hitler was first and interesting so on your knees and bow to the boss.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

With that guy Charlie in the news let's not forget Tiger Woods is a dumb ass.

According to Academics at the Tepper School of Business at Carnegie Mellon University have estimated that the revelations of ace golfer Tiger Woods’ two balls cost Nike, his main sponsor, the loss of 105,000 golf ball sales. Bigger than that, bigger than the millions and billions of dollars the biggest fuck up was the gorgeous wife he was tapping is gone and has a shit load of his money. There isn't 1000 waitresses or hostesses that will ever erase the fact you lost all that money. The money is gone and it will eat at you everyday and for the rest of your life. So fuck away Tiger.
I know about hot ass babes because I keep mine, she picked me up in my Vega at the Walla Walla/Washington State Penitentiary after two years of waiting. I don't need a video of me staring and James Earl Jones asking me hard questions. Who the hell does that? Todd Pendleton and is my guess.
Being in prison I am a little behind say 8 or 9 months so this is a little late and a little lame but I just can't tell you how much I think Tiger is such a dumb ass.

Marathoner to eat fast food.

Believe me being a marathoner has nothing to do with being an athlete. Being an Olympic marathoner is something different than being an ordinary marathoner. I eat every day but Joey Chestnut is a professional. Combining Joey Chestnut and Pheidippides is an awesome combination to be sure but don't get carried away
thinking it holds any weight that some no name marathoner goes Morgan Spurlock.
This guy Joe D'Amico is going to eat pancakes, burgers and fries before his next "Race" and TOPNEWS gave him an article on this tired theme.
In 1998 after robbing a Subway, I cut off my jeans and went shirtless, ran with a pack of fat ladies that walked/jogged the Portland Marathon and with cops everywhere I managed to escape the law with a time of 4 hours and 27 seconds. Faster than Oprah, faster than Freddie Prinze Jr., faster than David Lee Roth, faster than Mario Lopez and the dozens of celebrities who call themselves MARATHONERS.
We here at WDCSD hate marathoners.
You run a 10K every weekend we love you.

British Women Are Not Ugly

The King of Burger King, Bernardo Hees, thinks British women are ugly and England’s food is terrible.

We at WDCSD do not agree with him. We think Burger King is ugly and Burger King’s food is terrible. I think Bernardo is doing whatever drugs car salesmen do. I wonder what Bernardo thinks of his customers from Oakland, California?

And now, an educational video.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Catfish Movie Review

I don’t usually review movies because it’s not worth my time but I’m a friendly sort of fella and I don’t want you to waste your time with this piece of shit movie. It’s called Catfish. There is some debate whether it is or isn’t a documentary but does it really matter when the film is completely mind-numbing? But I’ll end the debate, it isn’t a documentary.

I will, however, give the marketing team some credit for making the trailer look like some sort of thriller/horror type film. It isn’t.

There was one funny part of the movie. The boring dipshit the “docu” follows around is Nev Schulman and he has a lower back tattoo. He says that he got it when he was “17 and regrets it everyday”, but had no problem showing it off in the phony, boring film. You know, if you’re some unfortunate dude who got caught up in the tattoo craze in the early 90’s and got a lower back tattoo before you knew only tramps get that stamp, then I’ll give you a pass. But this Nev idiot got his somewhere around 2005. No excuse. And even less excuse to make a boring documentary.

Hell, Ryan Kutscher even took his sunglasses off to laughed.

George Michael random saxaphone video

Friday, March 11, 2011

Taking a dump and reading my iPad

I like to take my iPad into the shitter and get a good read in while I take care of a life task. I was Reading about Forbes top billionaires wondering how some guy that used to work for me was #1 on the list?
I was perplexed that I couldn't remember the last time I ate corn?
I was wondering what the fuck did Larry Ellison do to his face when my Google Alert for "Stupid ass shit that people pay CP+B for" twanged I had a new alert. The timing was impeccable, I was on the drop box with my iPad and CP+B was involved in a study that said people are unfocused
when they use the iPad for reading. No shit! My freaking email alerts for
Victor & Spoils alone sounds like a casino...DING DING DING DING DING DING add my alerts for shirtless man arrested, plungers, the shocker, meat accident, meat, processed meat and my iPad sounds like the start of an Aldo Nova song. I can't concentrate.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Phil Collins Retires – Here’s The Real Story

Phil claimed he retired but the real story is the famed Douglas County Fair retired him.

You see, old Phil wanted to perform at the legendary Fair in Roseburg, Oregon but he got rejected. They didn’t think he was up to snuff and told him they’d rather see if The Scorpions or Little River Band or Loverboy or Kenny Loggins or Alice Cooper or Ted Nugent or Diamond Rio or Billy Idol were available. Surprisingly most of them were.

Phil said he has hearing problems, nerve damage in his hands and a bad back – all because he’s was a drummer. I asked Jack Haynes, 68, who works at the local landfill and lifts heavy shit over his head on a daily basis and has done so since he was 18 years old (that’s fucking 40 years) and Jack said this, “Phil Collins is a pussy, but for some reason I liked the song Sussudio.” The next day, when his coworkers found out Jack liked that song, he was ‘accidentally’ run over by a backhoe.

Peter Gabriel even called Phil a pussy.

Wash your asshole

REDD FOXX a Colt.45 malt liquor guy before Billy Dee and has some funny shit you can find on Youtube.

He reminds of of something really important. Wash your ass.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Beef Sweats

I was fertilizing my roses with some kick ass mother fucking deadly chemicals that make those roses bloom like a mother fucker when I notice my neighbor leave for the Dollar Store to buy his FRS Energy drinks. I think he’s an athlete, maybe even plays for the Lakers.

Anyway, he left his garage door open and since I’m a good neighbor I went into his house to steal something. As soon as I walk in, holy fucking shit, I smelled the sweetest smell in the world. Better than cotton candy, even better than cheese from a cheese pump if you can believe that. What I smelled was BEEF BRISKET slow cooking in a crock-pot.

Knowing he’ll be at the Dollar Store for at least an hour I snoop around and find exactly what I need to get the brisket back to my house and feast – a giant zip-loc bag and a six ice cold Stella Artiois beers. (btw, that Stella Superbowl commercial sucked)

I have the 6-pack of Stella in one hand and the brisket zip locked in the other hand and can’t wait to chow down when that fucking goofy looking Laker pulls into his driveway. Fuck! He didn’t go to the Dollar Store, he picked up a hooker or his girlfriend, I can’t tell the difference. I jump behind his couch the same time he and gf/hooker walk in. They immediately start watching TV. I’m thinking two things; One – thank god he didn’t check his crock-pot. Two – why are they watching TV and not fucking in one of his 12 rooms. I mean, shit man, this guy’s house is huge and he has to sit on the same couch I’m hiding behind? Asshole. I’m rooting for the Clippers now.

I’m dying behind the couch because that brisket looks and smells so good, then it hits me. I have a fucking cell phone. So I give him a call and tell him his girlfriend just pulled into his driveway. I guessed the chick was a hooker and I guessed right! He hides the hooker upstairs and while he’s up there I slip out of his fucking mansion faster than shit.

I make it home, quickly drink two beers because that’s the proper way to prepare for potentially great beef brisket, then I slice off a piece of brisket and guess what - The. Best. Beef. Brisket. Ever. He’s the Banksy of crock-potting. I immediately get the beef sweats, and that only happens when I eat great mother fucking beef. I also decide to keep rooting for the Lakers.


"Despite all safety precautions there was an unforeseen tragic accident at our plant," Brian Coelho, general manager of the plant, said in a prepared statement. "The circumstances are being fully investigated." The Associated Press March 1, 2011
First off Brian, your company makes you look like a dick. Does a guy like you have a Facebook page? What was your status update that day? "Rough Day at Work" Way to show some compassion. But you have had mishaps previous to this. Seems to me the $1000 dollar fine you had to pay was a little steep. Yes it happened again. A meat grinder death in California. I believe this is the first senior citizen that has died by the teeth of a industrial meat mincer. Leopoldo Gutierrez was 72 years old. A fucking 72 year old man working at a meat grinding plant in California? Stay classy Central Valley Meat Co. (checking for web site now)
No website? Strange I thought MUTT would come up with some catch slogan for meat. insert music a smiling illegal and then some cheesy voice over. Anyway Central Valley Meat Company has a job opening if your entering your twilight years of life and are looking for some additional income.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Rip Salsa is out of prison

Out for good behavior two years early! The day I left the Washington State Penitentiary a corrections officer was stabbed in the face, many years before on the same day Babe Ruth signed a contract for 70 grand over three years, Tab Hunter released the greatest song EVER and Crispin Porter & Bogusky sent out another self promotional viral video. What? That happens everyday? Next up is to find a job or some quick cash for a Mac book and grow a really shitty beard. I plan on hanging out in coffee shops. Wait for a hippie smelling chick desiring a "bad boy" move into her apartment allowing me to move out of this van I bought from a suspected serial killer.
Remember, no blogging in prison. The sentence for stealing a horse in Walla Walla Washington is 5 years. Fucking great to be out! I plan on crowdsourcing my cock at a whore house tonight.