Friday, June 24, 2011

Lindsay Lohan and Rip Salsa enjoy each other


Lindsay is awesome!
Finally they leave you alone for doing something legal.
The only difference was I was driving a school bus.
When you try having a blog that has some consistency you need to stay at home and never leave! Bloggers who stay at home never get in trouble... If you have a neck tatoo, drive a school bus and have spent time at Walla-Walla they pick on you.




Tuesday, May 24, 2011

RIP "Macho Man" Randy Savage


The Macho Man died a few days ago. He kicked ass... what more do you want me to say?


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bigger than the brand.


When is a personality bigger than the brand?
Take Jobs out of Apple is Apple the same?
Take the Bogusky out of CP+B is CP+B the same?
Rip Salsa thinks not. If the Snarky Agencyspy website is correct and another layoff wave is headed towards the CP+B offices you have to wonder what the absence of Alex has done to the brander of brands. Once high on Acid and some really cheap gin I sat in on a Q&A with Alex in San Diego and I have to say the guy was a dynamic personality and he had an effect on others around him to be creative. Was the writing on the wall? You saw an Noah-like flood of talent leaving even before the Alex left (See Evan Fry and his cool little start up) and current talent just doesn't have that "It" quality to keep the cool going at the high octane speed needed. Can you say Polaroid?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Biggie Smalls Son is an actor


Didn't recongize the resemblance until I saw an article on indiewire.He stars in that LIONSGATE movie Everything Must Go opposite Will Farrell. I hope the kid does well, I love Biggie and all things big.


Thursday, May 12, 2011

Erik Ainge Thinks He Did More Drugs Than Charlie Sheen… and He’s Mormon


















Erik Ainge admits to being a drug addict in this article, actually he brags about it. He says, “I would’ve made Charlie Sheen look like Miss Daisy.” Sounds like he’s still on drugs… actually he is, keep reading because here are a few points Erik needs to consider before he opens his mouth again.

First, Sheen made $1.8 million per episode, you signed a four-year $1.87 million deal to play for the NY Jets and your football career is over. Sheen lives in Malibu and is insane, you lived in New Jersey… in an apartment, which is also insane. Let’s do the math… $1.8 million for one episode of that shitty sitcom, or $1.8 million for 4 years of playing football, oh and your football contract isn’t guaranteed.

Second, you have tattoos reminding you not to do drugs. Seriously? You can’t just look at a line of coke say “eh, I can’t handle this shit”? Instead you have to have tats that say, “One Day At A Time” and “This Too Shall Pass”. Erik, you’re either an idiot (he is Mormon, so…) or you’re a dipshit. I’d say you’re both. But hey, at least he gets to have multiple wives! I wonder if old Joseph Smith is punishing Erik for going to Tennessee instead of BYU? Probably, I mean Joe Smith was a prophet and all.

Third. Erik, you have a fat, puffy face and you’re not even 25, which only means you’re either drinking a shitload of alcohol or you’re on med’s… oh, that’s right, you are on meds. You’re on “bipolar medication”. Well, at least you have an excuse of why you’re a drug addict. I mean, hell, it’s not your fault you wasted your talent, it’s the “rapid cycling bipolar disorder.” Right? Good thing there’s more drugs to cure you, or at least keep you stable for the rest of your life. Hurray for prescription drugs!

The good news is since your football career is over I know he can get a job as a car salesman.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Love You Mom


Mother gets to go to Sizzler on me tonight!


Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thor – Everybody Wants A Piece of the Action


I used to know a guy who was in great shape, actually he was in too good of shape. He worked out five hours a day on top of working a meager job sweeping out warehouses filled with soda. He made very little money and whenever he’d encounter anyone of wealth he would say this, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.” What he was really saying was, “I better live longer than all those rich bastards.”

Well, that guy died a long time ago but still works out five hours a day. Weird, huh.

Oh, and speaking of muscles… here’s the THOR trailer they didn’t show you.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Fake pictures of Osama's penis now on the internet.


More instant than oatmeal. The internet is awesome!
The kooks came out and swore that Osama wasn't dead, was dead for six years, still in hiding or some other theory that makes you sound the the biggest fucking basement-liver ever. Fake pictures abound proves they are right and the United States and the CIA are wrong.
The real picture that is circulating now is his enormous crank that he walked around with. No wonder he had a few wives.
After that go tell people how getting a vaccine against measles makes your sperm count go down.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Naked Gym



That’s right, a naked gym in Spain. Imagine doing the bench press and having Javier spot you. Seriously, think about that… or don’t.

What do you think it’ll look like when Hilda goes for her personal best in the squat? What about when Larry the hairy guy from Rome forgets to bring a towel? I can’t wait until that hottie shows up for her yoga session, or maybe I can wait.

Below is a video of Stephen Paea benching 225 lbs 49 times with clothes on, the NFL combine record. Just think how many reps he could’ve got without clothes.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Katie Couric may not want to come to Bend Oregon for her next colonoscopy


The Feral Kid got me thinking about Oregon after the postman dumps twice post. There is a case in Bend Oregon that claims the doctors were a little lackadaisical on clean up between scopes. Some lady only know as anonymous Jane Doe found out the doctors did the Kleenex wipe off instead of a thorough disinfection. The greasy lawyer for the hospital tried the "Hey what was really hurt?"defense and the grand jury didn't agree. The hospital blathered that the scope "did not pierce her skin as a needle may," nor was it "offensive in the way sexual abuse is."
Let's put it this way... if you lined up 18 doctors in a row and you had a Kleenex to wipe off the probe after the first scope how many would volunteer to go second? Zero! It's more disgusting than my mailman taking a dump in my backyard or a Richard Gere scope. Do you think Katie would volunteer to be the fifth in line? Anal gang bang porn stars find this disconcerting. Colin Cowherd wouldn't even promote this to Illinois Nazis .

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Postal Worker in Oregon Delivers Free Fertilizer


This is something you’d expect to happen in Florida, not Oregon. Or maybe Najeh Davenport got a new job as a postal worker in Oregon. Did you know Najeh’s nickname was “The Dump Truck”?

Anyway, long story short, The Smith’s roses will win first prize at this year’s county fair. Check out the video below.

Happy Meals are safe again! Oh happy days


Some lady named Monet tried to sue McDonald's because her "fat"(guessing) kids wouldn't stop bothering her.
A "fat" (just guessing) lady and some "fat"(again, just guessing) kid's lawsuit was dismissed. She claimed McDonald's advertising violates California Consumer protection laws. She was wrong.
She was represented by the Center for Science in the Public Interest. McDondald's was represented by the law firm Hava Fukin Klue.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Barry Bonds and his Tiny Balls (update)


Quick update on a story Rip Salsa covered.

The Federal Government has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Barry Bonds’ balls have withered away to the point that grains of sand are laughing at him. Now he will be locked away from society for jacking too many home runs while jacked up on roids.

Barry Bonds, menace to society.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Everything Must Go

There are times when the whole prison would be laughing together at Will Ferrell doing something that wouldn't be considered at all funny by many, but killers and bank robbers and one horse thief like him. I tried to be snarky about the guy like I am with others who end up making horrible family movies and sitcoms, I just can't.
Rip likes the looks of the Lionsgate film Everything Must Go.



Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Feral Chickens Will Save the World


Those of us lucky enough to survive the apocalypse will undoubtedly head to New Orleans. Why? The feral chickens, of course. Do you think a bunch of feral cows could survive the apocalypse let alone thrive in post-apocalyptic conditions? Hell no. But chickens, they’re resilient, smarter than you think. And it's the chicken that will save mankind.

Tonight, when you’re at the dinner table feasting on a factory chicken, raise your glass to the feral chicken. For it is the feral chicken that will be worshipped… or maybe it’ll be the man that finds the feral chicken that will be praised. Only time will tell.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Olive is the ugliest color

Australia has an idea for cigarettes. All cigarettes will be packaged in an ugly olive green package, researchers claim this is a color that's unappealing to most. 74% of my shits consist of this color so I see the correlation. They also want boring font for the brand name. It will be interesting to see how this goes. The NRA uses Australia as an example of what could happen in the USA, so I can see this becoming a issue for the NSA of America. You smoke because you smoke, if your young and smoke it is because others are drunk and smoking, smoking is for smokers. The Truth ads are useless to me, who the hell doesn't know smoking is bad? Rip Salsa knows.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Anyone else really excited about humanized cow milk?



Rip Salsa will get depressed from time to time, long nights in the Concrete Mamma, early morning sex that doesn't last as long as I would like and deflated fun bags are just a few things that bring me down. I was doing my daily Google Alerts and felt a little creepy reading the one about scientist making a milk cow produce humanized milk, milk for babies and freaks that get off on some mommy complex. The first thought wasn't this is a great thing for humanity, nope, it was NO MORE DEFLATED FUN BAGS! The task of mothering a child and breast feeding has some consequences that are sometimes not too obvious to all. Before I met Carla, the love of my life, I would hang out at Patrick Malloy's in Hermosa Beach and pick up on the Agers (Older but still hanging out at the bar). I met a beautiful woman named Beth and we hit it off like most women who just met a guy they were willing to sleep with. We finished with the informal background checks, she realized she wouldn't be chopped into pieces and dumped in the pier, I realized I wouldn't be stalked and my house burned down with me naked, a belt around my neck in a murder-suicide.
She was beautiful, except she had deflated breasts from her 3 children, after making sweet love she started crying because of how she felt about her breasts. I made her feel better and said they really were beautiful breasts and she should go to one of those feel good doctors that work on building up peoples self esteem. I never saw her again.
I know this HUMANIZED MILK PROJECT wasn't started for the good of man, it was started because some poor scientist has a wife at home whose breast just aren't the same as when they got married. Rip Salsa still thinks this is a really bad idea! Freaky ass shit that has some unknown effect that can be talked away in the short term by the profit takers. You wont find those same profit takers when an army of zombies is formed by some freaky mutation caused by humanized cow milk. Stick to formula and breast pumps.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Climate Change Stabilization Specialist (Inter-Agency Liaison)


Can we please stop! Stop the bullshit, stop the "Inter-Agency Liaison" jobs that pop up.
Do you know what we do at WDCSD when someone asks the staff if it would be a good idea if WDCSD had an "Inter-Agency Liaison"? We punch them in the face for asking. You see we have contracts with all new employees that say with clear warning "Face punching is allowed." We don't subscribe to "There is no such thing as a dumb question", there are dumb questions in life. Don't ask me or expect me to put them here, I would have to punch you in the face. Do you know what else we punch people in the face for? When our "writers" put too many "quotations" in a post! The Feral Kid just punched me.
Over at Environmental Jobs Stopdodo they have a posting for a job with this requirement
"The Climate Change Stabilization Specialist (Inter-Agency Liaison) will be responsible for forging strong professional partnerships with other Federal Departments and Agencies in developing and implementing inter-agency efforts to combat the threat of climate change in cooperation with developing nations. In particular, s/he will also assist with the integration of democracy, governance and stabilization approaches with the USAID Climate Change Initiative(CCI)"
Talk about a do nothing but sound important job.
"Hey what do you do?"
"I'm in charge of forging strong professional partnerships and cooperation with others."
So if you have a Subaru Beard and love talking about what your going to do later after all these meetings please apply HERE. If you listen to guys like Seth Godin and others who tell you to SHIP and do something big, run the fuck away.



Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Walking Briskly + Slow Jogger = Me Feeling Guilty? Fuck That!


They fly me out to NYC all the time. Why? Because I’m important. Now that you know I’m important you should also know I’m a brisk walker. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Eder Sanchez, the great Mexican race walker, but I don’t dally when I’m walking from point A to point B.

I was walking through Central Park a few weeks ago, making my way to a kick ass hot dog stand, and it fucking happened to me, it always fucking happens to me and it pisses me off. I catch up to some asshole who’s running slower than I’m walking. There’s no God damn, mother fucking reason anybody should be running slower than I’m walking.

Now this is where I’m weak. I don’t pass the slow runners, I just start walking slower. I don’t want to pass them and feel guilty, like I’ll make them feel bad or some shit like that. But they should feel bad because they’re making a mockery of real runners, like Oprah or the McDonalds LA marathon guy.

If you’re running that slow and you’re too stupid to simply walk, or even take up swimming, then fuck you… right? Fuck! Why do I need reassurance for this? I’m ruthless in all areas of my life. I steal from my neighbor for Christ sake. Fuck it, next time it happens I’m confronting the slow runner. I’ll step in front of them and start walking backwards, so they don’t have to run any fucking slower, and I’ll applaud them for exercising then tell them they look like an asshole. I’m sure they’ll thank me one day. Even better, if you’re running and someone walking passes you, then stop fucking running. Simple.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Man gets foot stuck in meat grinder

This isn't in the top 10 of meat grinding accidents but worth mentioning.
A man on the cleaning crew of a Leetsdale, PA meat processing plant slipped while cleaning a machine that was turned off and got his foot stuck in the gears. I am guessing it won't be a sequel to 172 Hours. James Franco's agent said his schedule is packed. I put in a call to Val Kilmer's agent and she declined comment.
The man was stuck in the grinder all night because his normal partner called in sick and he was working alone. I could only imagine the thoughts going through his head. "Please check the grinder before you turn it on" or "Don't fall asleep" or "What would my foot taste like?"
Industrial food processing rules!



Monday, April 4, 2011

Do you enjoy cheating on your significant other?



America's newest website-
Just what we needed. Rip thought Rate my poo was the best site but I was wrong, America loves to cheat.
Also-
World map of penis sizes. No wonder we are at war with some countries. It isn't oil, it isn't freedom, it isn't terrorism...Nope it's penis envy.
No wonder my friends call me Congo.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Louis Murphy, WR for the Raiders, former Florida Gator and Viagra User?

It’s bad enough he plays for the Raiders, which is a step down from the Gators, but getting busted with Viagra? Come on Louis, you’re 23 years old and you don’t seem like a roid using, ball shrinker like Barry Bonds. Why do you need Viagra? When I was 23 I could, and would, achieve wood anytime and anyplace. Now that I’m an old man, well who am I kidding, I still achieve wood on demand… just as long as I get a good nap in afterwards.

Katie Couric to Exit the CBS Evening News


Rip Salsa’s heartwarming post about colon awareness month got me thinking about Katie Couric and her exit from the CBS Evening News. Nobody watches network news, that’s something we can all agree on, but when Katie leaves CBS this June I wonder what she’ll leave behind?

Will it be the five NYC phone books she had to sit on in order to be in frame?

Or the coffee mugs with her face on them?

One thing is for sure, Brian Williams can’t dance like Katie.

I will give Katie credit for this hilarious video.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

March is Colon awareness month

I hope you didn't misread the title and thought it was Colin Cowherd awareness month.
This is something serious and even though assholes are involved it isn't about Colin Cowherd.



As Rip's family was awakened one afternoon in 2000 to Katie Couric's artful and brave live colonoscopy. She alone increased colon cancer screening by numbers that made a few doctors really really rich.
WDCSD staff member Art Banks was most likely saved by Katie. Art is our television critic who spends a lot of time sitting on his ass and doing as little as possible.

A ripple effect occurred after Katie's gesture and other celebrities joined in, specificly Richard Gere. This video solved one of the most recognized URBAN LEGENDS EVER. We would like to thank Richard personally for his courageous act.
Enjoy the Richard Gere colonoscopy video.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Props to Lionsgate® for it's first round of Microbudget films



Rip Salsa gets this email at ripsalsa@gmail.com from these advertisement guys and they all send the same one.
"Hey D-bag try "doing" instead of being so snarky" or "Why the fuck do you hate on Cowherd so much? Get a life dickhead" After I sort through the multiple 1099 forums for my motivational speaking, my massive W-2 and counting my cash that I hide from the Mexican government I respond by asking them, "How much money do you make a year?"
WDCSD isn't just about snarkiness thrust upon certain d-bags, we have love for goodness and forward thinking people and businesses.
Lionsgate® films had a good idea with it's Microbudget films which awards budding actors and filmmakers with a chance to shine like Seth Godin's head. The first couple of films will be RAPTUREPALOOZA a post-apocalyptic comendy, GAY DUDE, a coming of age comedy with a twist, and 6 MIRANDA DRIVE, a supernatural thriller. Joe Drake, President of the Motion Picture Group at Lionsgate announced. So lick my snarky balls you haters.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Video Proof That Barry's Balls Got Smaller


The Barry Bonds trial on perjury must be a little embarrassing for the former major leaguer. Adult acne, Impotence and our favorite... shrinking balls. The mistress who reported this fact during the trial has video proof of shrinking balls on Youtube and at One minute and twenty-one seconds (1:21) you actually see Barry's marbles lose size. It is an amazing time lapse video.

Who wouldn't threaten a mistress with a beheading if you ever tell the world that your balls take on a strange shape?



Monday, March 28, 2011

Killing Me Softly with His Song – The 5 Best and Worst and Covers

Killing Me Softly with His Song, was composed by Charles Fox and Norman Gimbal with Lori Lieberman first recording the classic song in 1971. Since then it’s been covered many times. I present to you the 5 best and worst versions.

Best:

1. Roberta Flack – she put the song on the map, great voice, soulful, beautiful.

2. Perry Como – that’s right, Perry’s version is unique. Thanks P-dawg!

3. Luther Vandross – I almost put this on the worst list but Luther went for it and actually sang the feminine version, which takes balls. RIP Luther.

4. Emad Hamdy – who says you have to sing? Emad didn’t and he nailed it. Plus he has killer sideburns.

5. Dee Dee Bridgewater – similar to Roberta’s but different. Do you think her real name is simply Dee but one of her parents had a stuttering problem?

Worst:

1. Fugees – Lauren Hill has a great voice and alone she would’ve made the best list, however Wyclef Jean was a member of the Fugees and he ruined it. In fact I hear that’s the reason Wyclef got shot in the hand.

2. Engelbert Humperdinck – we at WDCSD appreciate Engelbert’s talent just not this time.

3. Cleo Laine – umm, no.

4. Anne Murray – the great Canadian singer doesn’t quite interpret the song correctly.

5. Electric Coconut – the Moog Synthesizer didn’t work and put against this weird Japanese flick called Zero Woman it's something that would make a car salesmen’s acid trip turn bad in a hurry.

Note: I’m sure the great Mel Torme covered it but I couldn’t find a video.

It's Over! Robin Hood of beer has been caught.



I wish it would have never happened but it did, the streak is over at 100 cases of beer.
The Mexican sounding bandit, Santiago Martinez, was caught after "stealing" beer from multiple stores from Thanksgiving though Spring Break. The Texas based thief enjoyed 18-packs of beer and we all know all good beer comes in 18-packs. If you think about it the 18-pack is best suited for the beer dash. While dashing for beer, the 24 pack is a little too heavy and not shaped correctly, the 6-packs of classy beer are glass and damage much easier than a can, and why go 12-pack when the manufactures of fine beer make an 18-pack? Santiago it was a good run

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sammy Hagar Not Accused of Stuffing His Pants with a Cucumber but was Abducted by Aliens


Sammy says he couldn’t explain his abduction for a long time because he didn’t understand technology “but now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation.”

He also said David Lee Roth is a dick. But if there's ever a chest hair competition, David wins.




Thursday, March 24, 2011

Do you ever get sick of the guys and gals that tell you Revelations are upon us



A guy at the office (Okay the bum that gave me 11 dollars to sleep in my van instead of dying in the freezing weather) kept going on and on about the end of the world and how China was the 200 million man army described in Revelations (A book in the bible, I Google searched Revelations, it's in there ) Shit I always thought it was an Iron Maiden song. Google searching is awesome, I came across this TOOL that has ACTUAL proof of armies of satin gathering in China and Russia, The Trumpet wars. Ken Raggio will teach you all about the end of the world, I am guessing after you sign up you can "help" him spread the word.


Click on the link and you can send all your buddies mini bibles. I love guys that study the bible harder than everyone else. I will bet the farm that Gary at Walla Walla, where I spent two miserable years among killers and sick fuckers, can find more time in a book than anywhere else. I guess someone attempting to slit your throat brings you closer to God. If you have a lifetime to read, you read stuff over and over and over and over.

I just can't follow a guy that makes shitty videos in his manufactured home.

Along with posing in tight underwear Men's Health encourages me to have sex.


Men's Health has an article on having sex with your old girlfriend using Facebook to plan your hookup. Glad Men's Health took time off it's classy top 10 bulging bicep exercises that women like, top 10 reason why your boner doesn't work and other important things to encourage cheating.
If you have the joy of reading Men's Health online. You have to read an article in 10 parts so they can get revenue from the ad hits on each page load. (Tip: When you read Men's Health always go to the PRINT icon and that way you can read the entire story without the annoying NEXT> shit)
BTW who the fuck would take career and money advise from Men's Health? Just keep to the ideal penis shit and leave the money to Forbes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rip Salsa was wrong. The McDonald's marathoner was an athlete.

I haven't been wrong since suggesting Al Gore wear a beard but I was wrong about the McDonald's Marathoner. We here at Whatever Drugs Car Salesmen Do hate marathoners, not for the extreme training or the miles and miles to ready yourself and not just a hate for the reason of hating. We hate it for the fatso, pseudo-runners that do it as a life changing event or want to prove a point. The rich lady with her own network is the best example of the whole, "I ran a marathon and no one can take that away from me."
Back to me being wrong, more wrong than Seth Godin picking All Marketers are Liars for the title of a book, more wrong than mouthing off to a Utah Cop.
I was blasting Joe D'Amico for being like Morgan Spurlock in nut hugging shorts, eating at McDonald's while training for a marathon. This cat ran a sub 3 hour Marathon, 2 hours 36 minutes and 14 seconds. Joe D'Amico is an athlete. Sub 6 minute miles for 26.2 miles is a man. Once high on coke and nutmeg I ran 14 minutes at that pace being chased the three headed guard of Hades, Cerberus, and my heart exploded.
Joe, WDCSD is sorry and punch me in the balls next time you see me in the same marathon, I am the one in a NASA diaper.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Meat slick on Illinois Hwy




Parts is Parts
A meat spill was cleaned up on an Illinois hwy when a truck hauling "Reused animal rendering material" overturned. The spill was cleaned up by Cargill even though they said "It wasn't our fault" They headed out with a little Tide detergent and some cold water and made the road drivable again. The load was intended to be used as an ingredient in pet food. One of the workers got Kirstie Alley and Val Kilmer's autographs when they thought the smell was a road side taco vendor instead of a meat spill

Monday, March 21, 2011

Ban on Menthol Cigarettes is unKool and so is Alex Bogusky


I don’t think I’ll ever know what drugs car salesmen do, but I’m pretty sure some of them smoke menthol cigarettes. And for those of you that are Kool and smoke Newport cigs you better start hoarding your ciggy’s because that’s exactly what your outdoor smoking buddies are doing.

Although smoking menthol cigs doesn’t fuck you up any more than smoking regular cigarettes the FDA still wants to ban them. Why? Because they say that banning menthol cigarettes is good for public health. Hmm, what about banning all cigarettes? Then banning chewing tobacco. Then alcohol. Then sugar. Then television. Then Adam Sandler movies. Yeah, that makes sense.

Of course Alex Bogusky will happily support banning everything… except fast food. Oh, above is a photo of Alex channeling his inner John Denver. One thing you should know, Alex, John Denver was a hard working, talented musician who will always be remembered. Alex will be remembered as a hypocritical douchebag. Or a sociopath.