Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Erik Ainge Thinks He Did More Drugs Than Charlie Sheen… and He’s Mormon


















Erik Ainge admits to being a drug addict in this article, actually he brags about it. He says, “I would’ve made Charlie Sheen look like Miss Daisy.” Sounds like he’s still on drugs… actually he is, keep reading because here are a few points Erik needs to consider before he opens his mouth again.

First, Sheen made $1.8 million per episode, you signed a four-year $1.87 million deal to play for the NY Jets and your football career is over. Sheen lives in Malibu and is insane, you lived in New Jersey… in an apartment, which is also insane. Let’s do the math… $1.8 million for one episode of that shitty sitcom, or $1.8 million for 4 years of playing football, oh and your football contract isn’t guaranteed.

Second, you have tattoos reminding you not to do drugs. Seriously? You can’t just look at a line of coke say “eh, I can’t handle this shit”? Instead you have to have tats that say, “One Day At A Time” and “This Too Shall Pass”. Erik, you’re either an idiot (he is Mormon, so…) or you’re a dipshit. I’d say you’re both. But hey, at least he gets to have multiple wives! I wonder if old Joseph Smith is punishing Erik for going to Tennessee instead of BYU? Probably, I mean Joe Smith was a prophet and all.

Third. Erik, you have a fat, puffy face and you’re not even 25, which only means you’re either drinking a shitload of alcohol or you’re on med’s… oh, that’s right, you are on meds. You’re on “bipolar medication”. Well, at least you have an excuse of why you’re a drug addict. I mean, hell, it’s not your fault you wasted your talent, it’s the “rapid cycling bipolar disorder.” Right? Good thing there’s more drugs to cure you, or at least keep you stable for the rest of your life. Hurray for prescription drugs!

The good news is since your football career is over I know he can get a job as a car salesman.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Fake pictures of Osama's penis now on the internet.


More instant than oatmeal. The internet is awesome!
The kooks came out and swore that Osama wasn't dead, was dead for six years, still in hiding or some other theory that makes you sound the the biggest fucking basement-liver ever. Fake pictures abound proves they are right and the United States and the CIA are wrong.
The real picture that is circulating now is his enormous crank that he walked around with. No wonder he had a few wives.
After that go tell people how getting a vaccine against measles makes your sperm count go down.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Barry Bonds and his Tiny Balls (update)


Quick update on a story Rip Salsa covered.

The Federal Government has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Barry Bonds’ balls have withered away to the point that grains of sand are laughing at him. Now he will be locked away from society for jacking too many home runs while jacked up on roids.

Barry Bonds, menace to society.


Friday, April 8, 2011

Anyone else really excited about humanized cow milk?



Rip Salsa will get depressed from time to time, long nights in the Concrete Mamma, early morning sex that doesn't last as long as I would like and deflated fun bags are just a few things that bring me down. I was doing my daily Google Alerts and felt a little creepy reading the one about scientist making a milk cow produce humanized milk, milk for babies and freaks that get off on some mommy complex. The first thought wasn't this is a great thing for humanity, nope, it was NO MORE DEFLATED FUN BAGS! The task of mothering a child and breast feeding has some consequences that are sometimes not too obvious to all. Before I met Carla, the love of my life, I would hang out at Patrick Malloy's in Hermosa Beach and pick up on the Agers (Older but still hanging out at the bar). I met a beautiful woman named Beth and we hit it off like most women who just met a guy they were willing to sleep with. We finished with the informal background checks, she realized she wouldn't be chopped into pieces and dumped in the pier, I realized I wouldn't be stalked and my house burned down with me naked, a belt around my neck in a murder-suicide.
She was beautiful, except she had deflated breasts from her 3 children, after making sweet love she started crying because of how she felt about her breasts. I made her feel better and said they really were beautiful breasts and she should go to one of those feel good doctors that work on building up peoples self esteem. I never saw her again.
I know this HUMANIZED MILK PROJECT wasn't started for the good of man, it was started because some poor scientist has a wife at home whose breast just aren't the same as when they got married. Rip Salsa still thinks this is a really bad idea! Freaky ass shit that has some unknown effect that can be talked away in the short term by the profit takers. You wont find those same profit takers when an army of zombies is formed by some freaky mutation caused by humanized cow milk. Stick to formula and breast pumps.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Climate Change Stabilization Specialist (Inter-Agency Liaison)


Can we please stop! Stop the bullshit, stop the "Inter-Agency Liaison" jobs that pop up.
Do you know what we do at WDCSD when someone asks the staff if it would be a good idea if WDCSD had an "Inter-Agency Liaison"? We punch them in the face for asking. You see we have contracts with all new employees that say with clear warning "Face punching is allowed." We don't subscribe to "There is no such thing as a dumb question", there are dumb questions in life. Don't ask me or expect me to put them here, I would have to punch you in the face. Do you know what else we punch people in the face for? When our "writers" put too many "quotations" in a post! The Feral Kid just punched me.
Over at Environmental Jobs Stopdodo they have a posting for a job with this requirement
"The Climate Change Stabilization Specialist (Inter-Agency Liaison) will be responsible for forging strong professional partnerships with other Federal Departments and Agencies in developing and implementing inter-agency efforts to combat the threat of climate change in cooperation with developing nations. In particular, s/he will also assist with the integration of democracy, governance and stabilization approaches with the USAID Climate Change Initiative(CCI)"
Talk about a do nothing but sound important job.
"Hey what do you do?"
"I'm in charge of forging strong professional partnerships and cooperation with others."
So if you have a Subaru Beard and love talking about what your going to do later after all these meetings please apply HERE. If you listen to guys like Seth Godin and others who tell you to SHIP and do something big, run the fuck away.



Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Video Proof That Barry's Balls Got Smaller


The Barry Bonds trial on perjury must be a little embarrassing for the former major leaguer. Adult acne, Impotence and our favorite... shrinking balls. The mistress who reported this fact during the trial has video proof of shrinking balls on Youtube and at One minute and twenty-one seconds (1:21) you actually see Barry's marbles lose size. It is an amazing time lapse video.

Who wouldn't threaten a mistress with a beheading if you ever tell the world that your balls take on a strange shape?



Monday, March 28, 2011

Killing Me Softly with His Song – The 5 Best and Worst and Covers

Killing Me Softly with His Song, was composed by Charles Fox and Norman Gimbal with Lori Lieberman first recording the classic song in 1971. Since then it’s been covered many times. I present to you the 5 best and worst versions.

Best:

1. Roberta Flack – she put the song on the map, great voice, soulful, beautiful.

2. Perry Como – that’s right, Perry’s version is unique. Thanks P-dawg!

3. Luther Vandross – I almost put this on the worst list but Luther went for it and actually sang the feminine version, which takes balls. RIP Luther.

4. Emad Hamdy – who says you have to sing? Emad didn’t and he nailed it. Plus he has killer sideburns.

5. Dee Dee Bridgewater – similar to Roberta’s but different. Do you think her real name is simply Dee but one of her parents had a stuttering problem?

Worst:

1. Fugees – Lauren Hill has a great voice and alone she would’ve made the best list, however Wyclef Jean was a member of the Fugees and he ruined it. In fact I hear that’s the reason Wyclef got shot in the hand.

2. Engelbert Humperdinck – we at WDCSD appreciate Engelbert’s talent just not this time.

3. Cleo Laine – umm, no.

4. Anne Murray – the great Canadian singer doesn’t quite interpret the song correctly.

5. Electric Coconut – the Moog Synthesizer didn’t work and put against this weird Japanese flick called Zero Woman it's something that would make a car salesmen’s acid trip turn bad in a hurry.

Note: I’m sure the great Mel Torme covered it but I couldn’t find a video.

It's Over! Robin Hood of beer has been caught.



I wish it would have never happened but it did, the streak is over at 100 cases of beer.
The Mexican sounding bandit, Santiago Martinez, was caught after "stealing" beer from multiple stores from Thanksgiving though Spring Break. The Texas based thief enjoyed 18-packs of beer and we all know all good beer comes in 18-packs. If you think about it the 18-pack is best suited for the beer dash. While dashing for beer, the 24 pack is a little too heavy and not shaped correctly, the 6-packs of classy beer are glass and damage much easier than a can, and why go 12-pack when the manufactures of fine beer make an 18-pack? Santiago it was a good run

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sammy Hagar Not Accused of Stuffing His Pants with a Cucumber but was Abducted by Aliens


Sammy says he couldn’t explain his abduction for a long time because he didn’t understand technology “but now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation.”

He also said David Lee Roth is a dick. But if there's ever a chest hair competition, David wins.




Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rip Salsa was wrong. The McDonald's marathoner was an athlete.

I haven't been wrong since suggesting Al Gore wear a beard but I was wrong about the McDonald's Marathoner. We here at Whatever Drugs Car Salesmen Do hate marathoners, not for the extreme training or the miles and miles to ready yourself and not just a hate for the reason of hating. We hate it for the fatso, pseudo-runners that do it as a life changing event or want to prove a point. The rich lady with her own network is the best example of the whole, "I ran a marathon and no one can take that away from me."
Back to me being wrong, more wrong than Seth Godin picking All Marketers are Liars for the title of a book, more wrong than mouthing off to a Utah Cop.
I was blasting Joe D'Amico for being like Morgan Spurlock in nut hugging shorts, eating at McDonald's while training for a marathon. This cat ran a sub 3 hour Marathon, 2 hours 36 minutes and 14 seconds. Joe D'Amico is an athlete. Sub 6 minute miles for 26.2 miles is a man. Once high on coke and nutmeg I ran 14 minutes at that pace being chased the three headed guard of Hades, Cerberus, and my heart exploded.
Joe, WDCSD is sorry and punch me in the balls next time you see me in the same marathon, I am the one in a NASA diaper.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Rip Salsa is out of prison

Out for good behavior two years early! The day I left the Washington State Penitentiary a corrections officer was stabbed in the face, many years before on the same day Babe Ruth signed a contract for 70 grand over three years, Tab Hunter released the greatest song EVER and Crispin Porter & Bogusky sent out another self promotional viral video. What? That happens everyday? Next up is to find a job or some quick cash for a Mac book and grow a really shitty beard. I plan on hanging out in coffee shops. Wait for a hippie smelling chick desiring a "bad boy" move into her apartment allowing me to move out of this van I bought from a suspected serial killer.
Remember, no blogging in prison. The sentence for stealing a horse in Walla Walla Washington is 5 years. Fucking great to be out! I plan on crowdsourcing my cock at a whore house tonight.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Is Will Smith remaking "The Death Pool"



Holy Crap! When will Will Smith buy the rights to the two deadly months of 2009? WDCSD has not seen a 60 day span like this one...EVER!
What a couple of weeks!

Michael Roof didn't even get a blip on the tidal wave of death.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Give Me Sex Or I Kill The Dog.

This Dognapper's days are now spent behind bars.
He demanded $70 or some sex for the return of Pineapple the Dog.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

When you make macho movies and then complain to you boss please use spellcheck


WDCSD has a few rules when it comes to Email.
1. Never Email Drunk
The Never Email Drunk rule is the #1 always follow rule of the
Internet for numerous reasons which includes sending Emails to your bosses and ex-girlfriends.
Michael Bay was unhappy about how "Transformers
Duex" was being marketed an sent an after hours email to his bosses, his bosses released the email to the gossip king TMZ.
This brings WDCSD to rule # 2
2. Always use spell check when Emailing.
If your a professional sending an Email to other professionals try to make your Emails readable and grammatically correct,which ties into the #1 rule of Never Email Drunk, because if TMZ gets a hold of your Email you will get crushed.
The final WDCSD email rule should also be a Miller Lite Man Law rule.
3. Never sound like a pussy or try to sound Email Tough.
It never works to sound like a little baby when you complain on Email because you'll come off sounding like a pussy.

Michael Bay broke all three rules in WDCSD's opinion. When you try as hard to look Hollywood perfect like Michael Bay does this could nut punch Mikey Sally Bay where it hurts, the ego pocket book. Michael may be asked to direct the next Sandra Bullock movie instead of working on bad ass movies like "Bad Boys" or "The Rock" and instead be asked to work on the "Bad Boys the Musical". Also WDCSD loves the Michael Bay Phil Spector connection with the woman who killed herself.
The drunk/Bad
Grammar/Pussy email was pointed out in an article by Greg Sandoval who covers media and digital entertainment for CNET News and has a great mustache.

ARTICLE

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised




Some days you just don't have a lot to say.  
Put a little Donny on the Ipod and just listen.  Donny out the window

Monday, March 30, 2009

Water War

Greedy assholes fight for oil.

Everyone will fight for water.


Friday, March 6, 2009

Having Exotic Pets Never Seems To Pay: APE ATTACK

Whacked out on drugs and suffering from Lyme disease a crazed ape attacks the woman who raised him from infancy.
Stick with nice dogs and pampered cats.  Here is a LIST OF EXOTIC ANIMAL ATTACKS just to prove WDCSD's point.
It just puts you in a different class of wacko owning weird animals like snakes, rats, tigers, cougars, gators or monkeys.  We love the shirtless, the meat grinder accidents, the fact Pam Anderson wont rot after she dies, Alex Bogusky being Alex Bogusky but we do find wild animals living in apartments as lame beyond all other lame items reported.




Friday, February 13, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

McWorld

McDonald's was the only company on the Dow with a 12 month gain.
Ronald's army keeps marching on.